I feel guilty when…
…when I drive past the oncology
…when I get rid of her things
…when I keep her things
…when I watch a movie
…when I go to church
…when I laugh
…when I enjoy life
Little things remind me of her. A memory leads to guilt, then anger, then sadness.
So much reminds me of her, my childhood, our house, our church, even my reflection. When you live with someone your whole life, it’s weird to have them suddenly be gone. Sometimes, I wait for her to come out of her room or think I hear her steps down the hall, but then I remember. It doesn’t seem fair that she is gone, while I’m still here.
I know people say our loved ones would want us to be happy and enjoy life, but I wonder if that’s just something we say to comfort ourselves. It’s easy to idealize, but I know my mom was human. Yes, she wanted the best for us, but she wasn’t ready to leave us, and I’m sure she was afraid of what she would miss. I think it must be hard to leave, as much as it is to be left behind, no matter what you believe about our final destination. Death is part of life, but that doesn’t mean it’s natural. We are meant to live.
My guilt still bothers me, but I realize, as painful as it is, it’s a necessary and natural part of healing. Once I acknowledge the guilt, I’m able to understand it’s source. I’m not sorry to live my life, I’m just sorry Mom’s not here to live it with me.